You Have Permission to Not Be Okay: An Invitation to Women Facing Betrayal Trauma
When betrayal crashes into a marriage—whether through the discovery of pornography, infidelity, or hidden sexual behaviors—it rarely arrives quietly. The disclosure or discovery often erupts like a bomb, leaving the marriage devastated and the wife reeling in the aftermath. Many women I work with describe those first hours, days, or weeks as a blur. It feels hard to eat, sleep, or even form full thoughts. Everything they trusted now feels uncertain. The ground beneath them, once stable, suddenly shifts. They are in shock.
If you’re there right now—disoriented, angry, overwhelmed, or numb—this is what we want you to hear first:
You have permission to not be okay.
This might seem obvious, but for so many women who walk into our office after a betrayal, this permission often feels foreign. Instead, they’re asking themselves:
What should I do next?
Is it normal to feel this way?
What if I’m overreacting?
Should I leave? Should I stay?
Is it wrong that I still love him?
Is it wrong that I hate him right now?
They are scrambling to solve a problem that’s still unfolding. But there is no “right way” to grieve a betrayal. And more importantly, this is not a problem that you need to fix.
But you DO need support! (keep reading to learn more & information about our upcoming support group).
There’s No “Right Way” to React
When a husband confesses (or more often caught in) a hidden sexual struggle, he is dealing with his own shame and guilt. But the impact of that sin rarely lands on him alone. For his wife, it feels like a tidal wave of confusion, pain, and fear. Her sense of safety is shattered. Her sense of self—once tethered to a shared story—is destabilized.
In clinical terms, what many women experience is betrayal trauma. The symptoms can look and feel a lot like PTSD: hypervigilance, emotional flooding, trouble sleeping, intrusive thoughts, or even panic attacks. Your body and brain are in survival mode. You are not overreacting. You are not crazy. You are not alone.
We see a spectrum of emotional responses in our work with women:
Some respond with fierce anger—slamming doors, demanding answers, or needing space.
Others pull their husbands close—fearing the loss of the relationship, trying to quickly restore intimacy, or craving reassurance.
Most swing between both extremes in a matter of minutes.
All of this is normal.
You may not recognize yourself right now. You may not even trust your own instincts. That, too, is part of the trauma, which is why we gently encourage you not to make any major decisions until you’ve had time to breathe, grieve, and orient yourself.
Please hear and know, you do not have to carry this alone. You were never meant to.
From a Christian perspective, it can feel complicated. Some women fear they’re sinning by being angry. Others feel pressure to forgive immediately or restore the marriage no matter the cost. But the God we know does not bypass suffering. He meets us in it.
Scripture does not rush grief. Jesus didn’t hurry past the pain of Mary and Martha at Lazarus’s tomb—He wept with them. Likewise, your pain is not an obstacle to healing—it’s a complicated part of the journey.
At McDaniel Counseling, we invite women to start this journey with curiosity toward their pain and self-compassion:
You didn’t cause this
You’re allowed to take up space with your grief
You’re not responsible for your husband’s healing
You need to heal too
Often, well-meaning friends, pastors, or even spouses try to jump to “fix it mode.” They want to offer a plan. A solution. A pathway forward. And while action is important, it can’t come before stabilizing and understanding. Before a marriage can rebuild, both partners need to fully metabolize what happened.
This includes:
Learning the language of impact rather than just confession
Creating space for transparency instead of secrecy
Building shame tolerance instead of shame avoidance—especially for the husband, who needs to own the truth without minimizing or excusing it
Slowing down allows everyone to catch their breath. For the husband, it creates room to seek real help for addiction or compulsive patterns—not just to save the marriage, but to live in truth. For the wife, it offers a steady ground to heal, ask hard questions, and be met with honesty and care.
We know this road is painful.
Some days you may feel strong. Other days you may barely function. That is okay. Truly, it is okay. We hope you will give yourself permission:
To cry
To scream
To question
To say "I’m not okay right now"
And we hope you’ll let others walk with you—counselors, mentors, safe friends. Not everyone will know how to support you well, but some will. Let those people in. Let Jesus in. He is not afraid of your sorrow.
We are here when you’re ready. There is a way forward.
Our next support group begins Monday Sept 8th. Contact Jessica for more information!
At McDaniel Counseling, we offer a safe, compassionate space for men and women navigating the heartache of betrayal. We understand this pain in a very real way as we have navigated these waters in our own marriage. You don’t have to do this alone. You can go at your own pace. When you're ready, we’re here to help you begin again.
With grace,
Jessica McDaniel, LPC
