Learning to Listen: Finding Self-Attunement in God's Love
As a therapist at McDaniel Counseling, I often see a painful disparity between clients' desire for closeness with others and their struggle to be caring toward themselves. They desperately long for deep connections, yet they lack the skill of self-attunement—the ability to listen to and understand their own inner world. This inner distance creates a void that external relationships are often asked to fill, a burden no relationship can sustain. The result is a profound loneliness, a feeling of being unseen and unheard even when surrounded by others.
I've seen this dynamic play out not just in my clients, but in my own life. There was a time when I struggled deeply to empathize with my wife's emotional pain. When she would express hurt, my immediate reaction was to expect her to "deal with it" quickly. I realized I was projecting my own coping mechanism onto her: the belief that the best way to handle difficult emotions was to stuff them down and push through. This caused significant hurt in our relationship. It was only when I began to recognize that to truly love her well, I needed to learn to love myself better—to pay attention to my own buried hurts with curiosity and kindness—that our dynamic began to shift.
For those on a Christian journey, learning to attune to ourselves isn't just a psychological exercise; it’s a deeply spiritual one. It's an act of honoring the person God has created you to be, rooted in the foundational truth of His love for you as His child. The Psalmist writes, “O Lord, you have searched me and known me! You know when I sit down and when I rise up; you discern my thoughts from afar... For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb” (Psalm 139:1-2, 13, ESV). This verse paints a beautiful picture of a God who knows us more intimately than we know ourselves. His knowledge isn't a distant observation, but an active, loving awareness of our very being, from our deepest thoughts to our physical form.
This divine attention is our model for how we can learn to pay attention to ourselves. When you feel overwhelmed, instead of immediately trying to "fix" it, can you pause and ask, "What is my heart trying to tell me right now? What is my body's response to this situation?" This isn’t about being selfish; it's about being a good steward of the emotional and physical well-being God has entrusted to you.
The journey of self-attunement begins with stillness. Carving out moments of quiet—whether through prayer, meditation, or simply sitting in silence—allows us to quiet the external clamor and hear the whisper of our own hearts.
Self-attunement, through the lens of God's love, is an act of profound trust. It's trusting that the feelings and needs you discover within yourself are valid because they belong to a person cherished by God. It’s an invitation to bring your whole self—your fears, your joys, your doubts, and your hopes—into His loving presence. You can invite the Holy Spirit, our Counselor, to be with you in that space, offering comfort where there is pain.
By learning to listen to yourself, you are honoring the masterpiece God is still creating. You are learning to inhabit the life He has given you with greater awareness and intentionality. It is a journey of discovery, guided by the ultimate truth that you are seen, known, and loved by a God who counsels you with His loving eye on you. This process ultimately strengthens your relationship with Him and with others, because as you learn to be present with yourself, you become more capable of being truly present for those you love.
With grace,
Ryan McDaniel, LPC
