From Shame to Shepherd
I often sit with clients who carry a heavy burden of shame—sometimes so deeply embedded that they can’t remember life without it. Shame has a way of becoming the background noise of our lives, a constant inner voice whispering: “You’re not enough.” “You’re too much.” “You’re unlovable.”
Shame first takes root in childhood. The way our parents or caregivers spoke to us—especially in moments of failure, emotion, or need—shaped how we see ourselves. Sometimes their words were overtly critical or demeaning. Other times, the shame came covertly in what wasn’t said—when love felt conditional or when affection was withdrawn.
Without realizing it, many of us grow up internalizing those voices. Even as adults, we may find ourselves driven by a need to prove our worth, terrified of making mistakes, or convinced that our needs are too much for others. The voices of our childhood become the voices in our head, indistinguishable from our own.
One of my voices tells me, “You are broken.” Being a sex addict, it was easy to see something was wrong with me. For years, I lived in a cycle of continual relapse. I hoped that my sobriety would quiet the voice of failure.
What I have come to learn is that my addiction did not create that voice; it had already been there from childhood. As odd as it may sound, my pornography addiction offered a place of respite from that voice of shame (no wonder I kept going back to it). If I wanted to heal from my sexual addiction, I had to heal from my shame. Instead of trying to quiet the voices, I had to listen to them, not believing them, but getting curious about where they came from in the first place.
This began to expose the lies I had believed about myself. But I also needed to hear the voice of truth.
In John 10:27, Jesus says, “My sheep hear my voice; I know them, and they follow me.”
Jesus invites us to tune in to a different voice—His voice. While shame tells us we are bad, broken, or unworthy, Jesus says we are chosen, known, and loved. His voice does not mock or belittle. It gently corrects, but always in love and with the goal of restoration, not condemnation.
Healing from shame begins when we start to recognize the difference between the internalized voices of shame and the voice of our Shepherd. This often means grieving the ways we were wounded by our parents or caregivers, even if they did the best they could. It means identifying those inherited lies and replacing them with the truth of God’s Word.
If shame has been your companion for too long, know this: you are not alone. And the voice of the One who truly knows you is still speaking. You can learn to hear it.
With grace and hope, Ryan McDaniel, LPC
